Pencil Produce

Hey

2010-06-13T03:45:00.001-07:00

You know why I like you? I like you because you made me feel so comfortable being in my own skin and you made me feel that I'm... Well, I'm nice. I'm awesome.

But what if, what if you're the one who's making me feel the exact opposite right now? Do I have a reason to dislike you?

When you wake up...

2010-05-03T15:55:00.001-07:00

and find that you're all alone, with your pillow being stained by a few tears from last night, you know there must be something missing from your life.

You walk into the bathroom and check your reflection against the mirror; there are dark circles accompanying your eyes and your hair looks tangled. You turn on the tap and splash your face; the water feels cold against your skin and you stare at the sink for the sole purpose of doing something. Your stomach feels like it's been beaten up recently; you want to throw up but nothing comes up.

And then you wonder, like you always do; what is my main purpose in life? Why am I being forced into doing things I don't want to do? Why am I allowing myself to be forced?

What do I want, and why am I not getting it?

And when you search your brains for an answer, it comes to you, but from then you don't know how to continue.

Because in life, you just don't get the things that you want, and sometimes you don't get the one that you want most, and the realization sinks inside your soul and it sits there like a statue in the middle of a tiny shower. It blocks your path and you need someone to move it,

but you find that you're all alone. And then you remember that that's probably the reason why you have been crying anyway.

2010-04-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

Gonna be the last post for quite sometime now.

Things that I have to get my butt to move for:
-A & E-Math practices because if I cannot pass Chemistry, I need to make sure my maths are awesome.
-Reread TKAM, again. Memorize quotes, write essays
-Chemistry. Mine is totally hopeless.
and last, but of course not the least, figure out how to get myself a US citizenship. I've never been more serious about anything like this.

oh, and stop going out too. Shiatz.

2010-03-25T05:45:00.001-07:00

So today was our performance, which are scenes from To Kill A Mockingbird & I know I run like a twerp yes I can't help it, sorry. But I had fun :) you know, some awkwardness between the cast members slowly melting away & stuff.

& here's the thing I love about drama & emceeing: it just rushes in. For my case, anyway. On the stage I don't feel like I'm pretending to be someone else. Because, even if I'm bad at it, drama is a part of me.

Yeah. I don't really wish to start talking about the school not giving support & crap like that because I don't give a fuck anymore. It's not my fault if the school doesn't want to be recognised as a centre for the arts & stuff. Not my problem. If the school doesn't care then I don't think I should care too.

However, though, I care about being appreciated. I know you've had a really bad mood & the lower sec cannot keep quiet but it's not our fault. Besides, the curtains are so thick they muffle voices. Don't come up to us & ask us to shut up because we weren't doing anything anyway.

If you think rehearsing for days on end is easy, then you do it. If you think that running around on stage without proper wireless mikes is easy, then you do it. If you think that trying to implement drama into the school after a very long time, then you do it.

I don't get teachers so much these days, I don't even know why they're called teachers. It's not a wonder why sometimes I dream of becoming one & implementing the right stuffs into schools. But again, if they don't care, I shouldn't too.

2010-02-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

@ Carolyn's house rotting.

The worst part of getting over someone is that there's always a chance of falling back, and when you do, you fall hard.

You get reminded of all the things he's done to you, of all the attention he's given you and you just cannot help but fall. It's inevitable. It's even worse if you've never been together with him because the chances are, he's never done anything to hurt you before.

So there's no reason for you not to fall back, no reason for you to reason with yourself and no way for you to control your feelings-because everything went perfectly.

Here's a confession: I wanted things to get better and I wanted our friendship back. But then the minute we got closer I realized that I've not gotten over you.

You know sometimes you wish things would stop, that he'd stop texting you, stop commenting and just leave you alone but when he does, you want it all back. It's frustrating when those little things are present because it gives you false hope but once it's gone you want it back, badly. Because of one, stupid reason: You liked it.

I do not know what to do.

2010-02-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

I am seriously amused by the kids in my school. When I say seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY.

Anyway I am seriously tired and I am mentally preparing myself for Mrs Mani's lesson later (GETTING READY FOR MAJOR BRAIN DRAINING) and I am brooding over my phone because Wei Ling is forcing me to stop smsing people WAHLAU U!

And your accent sucks, Wei Ling. :p

WHATEVER LA I AM SO TIRED ALREADY I AM SO TIRED OF NOT SMSING I AM SO TIRED OF NO REPLYING I AM SO TIRED OF WAITING I AM SO TIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED TTIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED OF TAKING CHINESE B AND FAILING TIRED OF NOT TRUSTING PEOPLE TIRED OF KEEPING SECRETS TIRED OF BEING STALKED BY WEI LING TIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED ARGH!!!!!

Tired of giving my all. -.-

2010-01-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

I AM SO DEPRESSED OKAY THERE IS NO MORE PRIVACY IN THE WORLD THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T SUPPOSED TO READ MY TUMBLR, BLOG, AND TWITTER ARE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEN I CANNOT SAY OUT MY TRUE FEELINGS ANYMORE AND I THINK THAT PRIVATE BLOGS ARE GHEY SO!!!!!!!!!

BUT I don't think my crush is reading this la haha~

2010-01-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

WOW.

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO BELIEVE THIS!

HERE. AND HERE.
you might want to search for his idol audition too. He should seriously win.

2010-01-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

I am afraid of what will happen of us. I am afraid of our relationship and where it's going. I am afraid that if I voice out my opinions like I always do you'd avoid me (like what I am doing now) because the reality is, you are in love with her.

2010-01-16T05:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder, what if I was as thin as her? Would you change your feelings? Your perception? I am kind of tired of playing second fiddle.

All I can do right now is to keep all this in my heart, don't hope much(I am tired of disappointments) and be your best friend, even though you're closer to her. All I can do is to be here and give you everything I can. I will not expect anything in return because that's what love is. Giving despite poverty. Giving despite anger. Despite being tired. Despite being hurt. Giving everything. Giving. Give.

2010-01-11T05:20:00.000-08:00

Look, I have to say sorry if I offended any of you people by not sounding empathetic. This is because I really don't care about your BGRs especially at this age. Sure you get heartbroken but then the heartbreak leaves. You get over it.

It's not as if I am selfish and I cannot be bothered with any of your affairs but it's just that, like Najeera said, we have better things to worry about. I'm not saying in any way that my problems are worse than yours but it's that I have better things to worry about.

I can list it out for you but since I'm so close to collapsing on the bed I will leave you guys in peace. Just do the same thing to me.

life is nothing but a dream

2010-01-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

Well, life sucks right now. We have started hitting on the books. I have come to realize that most men are useless and the best a man can be is a girl's gay best friend-.-

Disappointments will always come but I don't need this much at this point of time in my life.
It is so tiring, you know. Your soul wants to break away and move into another capsule, another person without anything this much to think about. This is why I cannot be bothered with most girls who just broke up because I have better things to worry about. Things that will change my life, thank you very much.

exchanging autographs

2010-01-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

It isn't doing so well here and I thought you'd be the one making a long-needed distraction, but no. For all this time I was thinking and waiting for you, you were filling your thoughts with her.

I guess I have to say sorry for that, huh? For wasting so much of your time.

2009-12-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

Sudden craving to blog!

Well school starts in... I don't know, 6 days? I am verily so not looking forward to next year because of the following reasons:

1. O levels. Self explainatory.
2. Major lectures from teachers because of it.
3. Major self-study because group studies, even though enjoyable, are majorly distracting.
4. Need. Chinese. Tuition. Eeep.

The thing is hor, I really don't mind going to school... It's the place I hate because there is nothing else for me to look forward to in the country. I can't go out alone as much anymore because of the Os, and that means I can't go to town often, which results in lesser arts experience which results in major emotion fail.

Plus plus, Ms Nah isn't teaching us El anymore.

Blah. Major blah. And Mrs Mani will be taking half of our days cause she's taking E maths also and truthfully I love her and she can be awesome if she is on a stable mood (: RLY MRS MANI I AM NOT JOKING it's just that I don't really like the subjects you teach even though I know I need to improve so I guess I really cannot go out la le sigh.

On to happier things, I'm reading a book called laskar pelangi which is part of a tetralogy (other tetralogies like Twilight sucks blood. Sorry for the pun) it's a really nice book about a true story about a guy who came from my grandma's hometown made it all the way to Paris even though he was majorly poor but it's the heartwarmingest story everrrrr.

When I was asked in chinese B oral what my favourite movie was I didn't have to think twice and I automatically went into my train of chinese-mix-english non stop speech. I didn't pass la but it was really fun.

Ok I've lost my craving because I'm sick right nao so bye.

2009-11-17T21:29:00.000-08:00

I hate the way time flies so fast. A minute you're enjoying a piece of cake then the next minute it's finished. What seemed like only a month ago when I was canoeing in Bali is actually a year ago. I thought I was only twelve last year.

It sucks especially if you're so far away from your family... Every second with them will count and a week will go by like a day and a month like two. So if you can stop to emphatise people for a while, you'll start to learn that your family isn't so bad afterall (unless, of course, you are abused or something. If that's the case please find help).

Take it from someone who knows and stop complaining about how naggy yadda yadda is. Really, it's annoying.

2009-10-22T02:27:00.001-07:00

I am Weiling and I am awesome! :D

ZOMGWTF

2009-10-22T02:22:00.000-07:00

THERE IS JUSTICE IN THE WORLD! JING TING NOW YOU CAN GO AND FLIRT WITH HIM!

Ok that's my update bye!!!!!!!

Where these places and these faces are getting old,

2009-10-15T03:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going home.

"To the place where I belong, where your love has always been enough for me,"

---
Consider yourself lucky if you are at home now because it sucks feeling homesick. It sucks big time. Trust me. I cannot wait for November to come.

A reason to start over anew

2009-10-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I can't tolerate besides women who seduce attached men, it's men who cheat on their partners. That should never be justified because... well just because it's wrong. It's hurting ALL the parties of the three way relationship.

But what if, just what if that guy comes up to you and begs for forgiveness and this is quite a bit of a surprise because well, this guy is more of the arrogant type? What are you to do? Believe him, or become seriously mad and continue staying mad until the day that he dies and only to regret it later? Is it worth forgiving, or is it worth not forgiving?

I don't know and I'm finding the answer myself. Don't ask. I only have two more weeks to endure here. Then I'll be going for a two month holiday. I wish I can say that I'm going to miss this place but I can't. I'd be a filthy hypocrite, so I'll just say it's going to suck missing Naj's and WL's birthday. And Jing Ting although I'm not exactly close to her.

I'm supposed to start revision for physics now but I need to channel my emotions and thoughts somewhere else before I can fully concentrate, so here I am. Exhausted.

Zhi Zheng, for the first time since our friendship started, I (can't believe I'm saying this) feel for you.

activate self esteem.

2009-10-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

So many people are crying, but no one's listening.

Jane, be a doctor, they're magnanimous. Don't you want to be nice to people? Contribute to the society? Mary, be a banker. The money's good, you know. Ann, don't you want to be the CEO of blah corporations? You can live very comfortably, you know.

Don't be an artist, you waste your time, and you don't even earn a lot of money. You don't contribute to society.

Does ANYONE realize how many doctors, investors, bankers, accountants, engineers and lawyers there are in Singapore? AND ONLY HOW MANY TRUE ARTISTS HERE? DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT THIS? NO.

WE WORK IN SMALL CLASSROOMS BARELY ENOUGH FOR 20 PEOPLE. THE WALLS AREN'T PAINTED. THE TOILETS ARE DINGY. BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE WE ARE ALLOWED TO USE!

GET A1S FOR SCIENCES! MATHS! THEY'LL DO YOU GOOD! STUDY HARD FOR OS! THEATRE IS A SLACKY SUBJECT! DON'T TAKE IT FOR YOUR OS! WHO SAYS THAT LITERATURE IS TOUGH? ONLY PERSONAL OPINION, RIGHT?! ENGLISH IS USELESS! LANGUAGE IS USELESS! MATHS! SCIENCES! THEY'RE ALL THAT MATTER!

So many people are begging, but no one's giving.
So many people are finding, but no one's supporting.
So many people are crying, but no one, not one, is listening.

And you wonder why artists want to leave. And you wonder why there isn't enough Singaporean talent. And you wonder why, when your answer is right in front of your fucking eyes.

A fresh piece of paper

2009-10-07T00:58:00.001-07:00

Well, so here I am.

The reason why I deleted all my previous posts is because I just want a fresh start, okay. I don't want to blog subtly or anything anymore. I want to speak out.

There is not much freedom of speech going around in Singapore but while I can, I'm going to exercise it. This, in any case, will mean no offence to any of the subjects I'll be talking about unless I really state that I hate the subject and the subject sucks.

Hah. Well anyway, I'll have to leave in a minute because I have A-Math tuition (SUCKS). I have nothing against Mrs. Mani. I just have something against A-Math because it's so dry and it's taught in a very dry way. ):

And just fyi, the reason why I named my blog pencilproduce is because I like writing and sometimes I write with pencil. I'll post everything under the sun here- poems, emo stuff, and basically whatever I want to say whether you like it or not.

I'll also be a little bit more vulgar. Sorry. It's not trying to be rude or anything or trying to make myself sound cooler but I really want to practice the art of not editing whatever I post, and not deleting it either. I've had it with editing truth.

Kelvin was right. Acting is a journey of self discovery. I've discovered that I'm so not loving this kind of lifestyle where everyone judges every single fucking thing that you do and label you and stereotype you. It's fucking wrong. You people can panic over H1N1 but you don't care about SIMPLE things like discrimination and labelling, which can cause war and you jolly well know that. Ironic, isn't it, trying to save people from diseases but not saving them from heartbreaks? This just goes to show how selfish people really are.

Sorry to start off with such a bad note, tho. Enjoy all my rants and ramblings. :D